The Hospice Nurse and Denial

It’s been over a month now since we’ve had in home hospice care. We are focused on care and comfort…and keeping John at home and out of the hospital.

Sometimes I think it’s a moment of (or maybe it’s moments of) sanity for all of us.

            No sleeping (well, it’s more like a very uncomfortable dozing off) in a chair at his hospital bedside.

            No answering the same questions to a random set of shift changing (but well meaning) doctors, nurses, and assorted other staff.

…and best of all for John, no unnecessary extra level of confusion!

So home it is. With care and someone to call when needed – 24/7. Comforting.

But…and just trust me on this if you’ve not experienced it before…it’s heartbreaking to be in this situation. To watch the deterioration…the slipping away.

The bright spots? Enjoying any and every moment I’m able to have with him. The little sparks of humor. The love.

And so often friends or the hospice nurse will say to me, “you’re doing such a wonderful job; you’re so patient and so caring.”

          Secretly, or not so secretly, I’m in denial.

                      I want him to be well.

                                  I want to travel with him again.

                                            I want him to tell me he’s going golfing with friends.

                        I want to have him walk more than 2 steps without being short

                                    of breath.

And then the realist in me circles back to this quote on a refrigerator magnet…

Just know that I am learning how to dance in the rain. Just know that I am resolving to accept and enjoy and appreciate. Love is powerful.